First, let me tell you mom's new joke. She made it up all by herself, out of frustration. Did you hear about the new Barak Obama doll?
You wind it up and it does absolutely nothing!
Now that that's out of the way,
Mom hates doves. This comes from an experience she had years ago in which she stayed at a hotel in South Texas which had a fireplace. (why there was a hotel with a fireplace in South Texas is something only crazed room designers can tell you) In that chimney were a pair of nesting doves.
Doves are just pigeons with better reputations.
Now because it's hotter than hell in South Texas, mom never used the fireplace (although she contemplated it). So all day and all night the cooing of the doves echoed maniacally up and down the chimney, day after day, night after night. Mom tried turning up the television. Didn't work. She tried waking the doves up in the middle of the night with lots of racket. That only got her a call from the management. She even stuck a broom handle up the chimney and knocked it around. Still, the doves gentle coos remained the stuff of nightmares. And they had friends.
This is also the place, by the way, where someone, trying to feed a stray cat, left out food that attracted a skunk right out under mom's stairs. It kept her from bringing in her laundry one night. She waited for three hours for the dang thing to decide to go home. Then there were several mornings when she started out to her car only to see the skunk sauntering out from under it or standing between the car and the stairs or sitting on the fender smoking a cigarette saying, "Are YOU talking to ME?"
Needless to say, as much as mom loves wildlife, she was not impressed.
So last year when a pair of doves nested outside the front door, mom was not happy. Every time she went outside she heard that cursed "coo-coo" driving into her brain. She swore at the doves and even threw sticks at them one time. Apparently this so amused the dove family that this year they brought relatives.
Yes, this year we have about eight doves in the yard, flying about, coo-cooing all over the place. Mom feels like she's in a bad Alfred Hitchcock movie. Dad thinks it's revenge of the birds. I think it's hysterical. Mom still yells at the doves when ever she goes outside. She raises her bony fists, shaking as she cries out in anger, "Get out of my damn yard you damned doves!" So, that is the set up for what happened last week.
Dad and Kemper Kitty went to Wal-Mart go get some groceries. Mom took the twenty or so minutes to have some quiet time, get a few things done withough chaos and generally enjoy the man-free environment. (I guess Christmas and I don't count) When she heard dad honk outside she went to the door to open it for them. KK walked in making gagging noises. Dad came in with groceries for mom to put away and went back out. KK went after him.
Then KK comes back in and says, "You're a BAD Mimi!" and we hear dad outside yelling, "Katie Kathleen Marie Elizabeth Fairweather you get out here right NOW!"
KK says, "Yeah, Katie Kathleen er- Mimi Fairweather, you get out here RIGHT NOW!"
Confused (as usual) mom goes outside. Dad is standing in the yard giving mom a dirty look. He says, "Katie Fairweather! Did you do this?" She looks down and sees a dead dove, breast torn asunder, still warm. She looks at dad and starts laughing maniacallly.
"NO!," she says, "But I wish I DID!" Then there were a few moments of incoherent babbling and gigglling.
"You are the one who hates doves," dad counters, "did you kill this poor little dove?"
Mom looks at the dove closely. "Nope, it looks like a cat did it."
Hold the phone! Now she's trying to blame it on us!
Then she says, "I've seen that stray yellow cat here the last few days. It must have been him."
Good, solid diversion to another plausible suspect.
"Do you think they mate for life?" Mom asks, acting all innocent?
Dad looks at her suspiciously. "Maybe."
So mom took the corpse and disposed of it in the usual manner. One final trip, clad in a bright, blue (plastic) shroud, to the dumpster.
The next day mom pulled the car up in front of the mailbox (to keep The Emily from parking there) and as she looked out the window she saw a circle of doves standing around the place where their "friend" met his maker. As she watched, they all turned their heads slowly and looked at her. Mom rolled the window down a bit and noticed there was no sound. Then they all flew up into the trees and eyed her as she walked into the house. Not a single coo was heard.
However, when she went back out to her car later, it was covered in dove poop.