This is from my mom:

As a citizen of the greatest country in the world, and

Being free, with liberty and justice for all,

in contract with my representatives to the Federal Government of the United States of America

as the governing body thereof;

I hereby request that they, as a concordance, do the following things for all citizens:

1. Protect us from all threats foreign and domestic, including, but not limited to: Al Quaida, Communism, Homosexuality, Equality of Women, People of Color, People of Asia, birth control, nuclear attack, AIDS, Swine Flu, Religion (excepting fundamental Christianity), occupying moving vehicles without helmets, car seats, seat belts and airbags (except in the case of school children required to ride in busses to back and forth to campus, public transportation, agricultural conveyance, rail and other non-regulated modes of travel) and seeing women’s breasts on network television.

2. Levy taxes upon all Americans in such a way as is fair, equitable and takes into consideration the potential of each citizen to put a percentage of their income back into the economy as investment, which in fact works not unlike taxes in keeping the American economy robust and growth oriented. Those with more disposable income will be contributing more to the economy and cannot be relieved of their income.  Those with low incomes won’t be taxed, and those in the middle will be taxed to the limit of their ability as their contribution to the economy as a whole is less by percentage than that of those with loftier incomes.

3. Allow me to relinquish my privacy in exchange for physical protection and the tracking of intelligence for my own safety.  I will allow the government as a body to perform technical violations of my constitutional rights in this interest.  This includes, but is not limited to: unwarranted search and seizure, unwarranted arrest, due process, the right to representation by an attorney, freedoms of speech, religions and the right to bear arms, in as that the release of these rights will allow the United States Government to better protect all citizens.

4. Make public decisions regarding the availability of health options for women, force procedures on Americans in order to enforce these decisions and make laws regarding the status of unborn children as citizens from the point of conception.  Further, I request that government representatives perform examinations of unmarried women, pubescent and prepubescent girls in order to determine whether or not their virginity is intact.  Additionally, I will allow my gynecological records to be seized by the government for the protection of the president, heads of state, others deemed at risk by said gynecological organs and FBI investigations.

5. Disallow marriage between anyone but a man and a woman citizen in good standing, to the exclusion of homosexuals and lesbians.  This includes, but is not limited to situations in which the sex of one partner technically changes due to: marriages in which one or both partners receives a sex change, people with bone marrow transplants from donors of the opposite sex, people receiving blood donations from those of the opposite sex, and partners who live as members as the opposite sex, such as transvestites and women who wear pants suits.

6. Finally I request that the United States Government take up the responsibility to protect myself and my family by any means possible, with or without notice or consent, at any time in the best interests of the state.